Norwegian Death Metal for kids

I was pondering the other day about the utter uselessness of most contemporary (indie)  rock.  I really couldn’t figure out what to do, then I realized just like in any system if you want change you have to start with the children.  If we can manage to educate the the children about different forms of expression, then perhaps in a few years we might start to see some really interesting stuff from the tween generation.

The maiden voyage into this realm of experimentation will be NAPTIME MAYHEM- a childrens band that plays in the style of Norwegian Black Metal, only instead of singing about Satan and murder, songs will focus on things that  are really important or that really  annoy kids. Which when you think about  the essence of Black Metal is nothing more than the deepest desires of our animal instincts that have been suppressed by civil society.

When reading these lyrics you must keep in mind they are to be performed super fast with the guttural screams of most metal singers.

Here are the lyrics from their forthcoming demo  : You Can’t Make Me!

PUPPY FACE

Get off of MEEEEEEE, STOP LICKING MY FACE, I have to go pee, and you’re not letting me, I’m going to bite you if you don’t stop.

SOPHIEEE!!!!!!!, SOPHIEEE!!!!!! YOU’RE MY PUPPY!!! SOPHIE!!! STOP LICKING MY FACE!!!! It’s ok, It’s not ok, It’s ok , It’s not ok. SOPHIE !!!!! SOPHIE !!! YOU’RE MY PUPPY

I love you but now I’m wet, Your  puppy slober is making my sticky! Your puppy slober is totally icky and you don’t even care. What’s wrong with you, your mouth is huge, it’s bigger than my dad.

SOPHIEEE!!!!!!!, SOPHIEEE!!!!!! YOU’RE MY PUPPY SOPHIE!!! STOP LICKING MY FACE!!!!  It’s ok. It’s not ok, It’s ok , It’s not ok. SOPHIE !!!!! SOPHIE !!! YOU’RE MY PUPPY

Sophie puppy what’s wrong with you,  you stuck your tongue  in my mouth!  I can taste your kibble whenever you nibble and it tastes like butt.  (Guitar solo under) Dogfood sucks, dogfood sucks, how do you eat it dogfood sucks!!! I’m going to make you a peanut butter and cheese sandwich, cause you like both those things and together im sure they are great.

SOPHIEEE!!!!!!!, SOPHIEEE!!!!!! YOU’RE MY PUPPY SOPHIE!!! STOP LICKING MY FACE!!!!  It’s ok. It’s not ok, It’s ok , It’s not ok. SOPHIE !!!!! SOPHIE !!! YOU’RE MY PUPPY

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME

What’s your problem mom? Those pants are dumb, why can’t you see, your lack of taste is killing me. I try real hard to be the best but your fashion sense makes me depressed. I will not wear those stupid pants I would rather eat some ants! I won’t go, I won’t do it, I’m taking a stand there’s nothing to it.

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME YOUCANTMAKEME

I don’t wanna go to grandmas she smells like feet and there’s never anything good to eat. I like cookies I like milk not that soy crap she calls silk… I won’t go, I won’t do it, I’m taking a stand there’s nothing to it.

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. YOUCANTMAKEME

Dentists Suck, Doctors are stupid! They poke my face, they stick me with needles. You say I have to, or Santa won’t come, well I don’t care cause Santa is dumb. Listen Dad I want you to hear, I will say it loud so it will ring in your ear. I won’t go, I won’t do it, I’m taking a stand there’s nothing to it.

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. YOUCANTMAKEME

POTTY OF SORROW

Just leave me alone, I can go myself, I don’t need you here, I’m a big kid now. I am strong as a dog, faster than grandpa  and I can climb a tree. Why won’t you leave me alone whenever I  have to go PEE

Potty of sorrow, can’t wait for  tomorrow Dad is watching me. Potty of sorrow, can’t wait for tomorrow Dad just go away.

The other day mom took me out and I had to poop. There was no dad, this made me sad cause I knew I was doomed, I had to poop it was going to shoot and there was nothing I could do.

Potty of sorrow, can’t wait for  tomorrow Mom is  watching me. Potty of sorrow, can’t wait for tomorrow Mom just go away.

She took me to the girlies room and expected me to go!  I looked at her and I screamed NO! But she took me any way. Why is it mom that I  don’t I have any say? Let me poop by myself today!

Potty of sorrow, can’t wait for  tomorrow. Mom is  watching me. Potty of sorrow, can’t wait for tomorrow Mom just go away.

NAPTIME MAYHEM

This is stupid, This is dumb, The lights are out but the  sleep wont come. It’s 2 o’clock what’s wrong with you, this isn’t the right thing to do.  I’ll just lay here nice and still wait for you to go away, cause when you do it’s time to play

NAPTIME MAYHEM!! I’m not tired, I won’t sleep. NAPTIME MAYHEM. I’m not tired, I won’t Sleep. NAPTIME  MAYHEM, Why does my pillow smell like feet.

I lay down next to Jenny cause she’s my best friend. The fun with us won’t ever end. When the teacher goes away, Jenny looks to me to say: I have cookies I have juice lets play dead then cut loose, once the teachers in her chair lets bust out like a  fat kids underwear.

NAPTIME MAYHEM!! I’m not tired, I won’t sleep. NAPTIME MAYHEM. I’m not tired, I won’t Sleep. NAPTIME  MAYHEM, Why does my pillow smell like feet.

The time has come, the teacher is gone, the closet calls it’s siren song. Jack be nimble Jack be quick don’t wake Timmy cause he’s sick, watch out for Mary cause she’s a witch, and Mark who is a dumbface snitch.  We must be quiet, we must creep slow off to the closet here we go.

NAPTIME MAYHEM!! I’m not tired, I won’t sleep. NAPTIME MAYHEM. I’m not tired, I won’t Sleep. NAPTIME  MAYHEM, Why does my pillow smell like feet.

We always make it , never been caught.  Jenny and Me are super smart.  While the rest of the kids lay like sleeping beasts Jenny and I get to have our feast. The cookies and juice are super sweet, because we are the only ones to eat.

NAPTIME MAYHEM!! I’m not tired, I won’t sleep. NAPTIME MAYHEM. I’m not tired, I won’t Sleep. NAPTIME  MAYHEM, Why does my pillow smell like feet?

.

BUTTFACE BULLY BEATDOWN

There was a buttface bully down at my school, all of the playground he did rule. He was four feet tall, 100 pounds and mean as a snake. If you to got to close to him your money he would take.

Butt-face bully in the yard, butt-face bully hits real hard. Butt-face bully has no friends, butt-face bully always wins.Butt-face bully gonna tear your shirt, Butt-face bully’s gonna make you eat dirt. Butt-face bully better watch your back – cause one day we are gonna fight back!!

One day while outside from Butt-face bully  we  did hide and waited for him to show, once he did we came unhid and running he did go. He almost got away, but  my friend Jenny saved the day  when she hit him with a stick.  She  hit butt-face so hard he puked his guts out and   fell to the ground, that’s when we all gathered round. We beat but-face bully good that day, Butface bully had to pay.  We beat Butt-face Bully so freaking  hard, that Butt-face Bully is now  a tard.

Butt-face bully in the yard, butt-face bully hits real hard. Butt-face bully has no friends, butt-face bully always wins. Butt-face bully gonna tear your shirt, Butt-face bully’s gonna make you eat dirt. Butt-face bully better watch your back – Buttface bully WE FOUGHT BACK!!!

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